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[04 Nov 2009|11:47pm] |
How odd of a man I've become.
Lets just chalk this up to images created without a camera.
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[12 Oct 2009|12:44am] |
I've always liked nice things.
I want to wear a nice suit and use a fountain pen all the time and have a beautiful ornate pocket watch. I want to have class and i want to have style. I just want nice things.
Is that so much to ask?
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[02 Aug 2009|05:06pm] |
hmm so many more images than words these days. mmmm
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[16 Jul 2009|06:14pm] |
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I haven't felt like myself lately.
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[09 Jul 2009|09:53am] |
oh and here's this.
and sometimes i take pictures of myself.
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[09 Jul 2009|09:22am] |
So I've been really unsure about a lot of things lately. My work...my life...where i'm going. Ho hum.
All i do know, is that last night i had a dream that i was hanging out with a few friends and we broke out in song. We sang Afternoon Delight by the Starland Vocal Band. That makes me happy.
Today is a BBQ Ribs and Blues Fest. Sweet.
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[14 Jun 2009|06:52pm] |
so i dont know if i put this in here but most of the reason im not updating this as often is that im moving to a different medium. im talking and writing less and having more things to show. so its now moved over a blog.
www.myrefrigeratordoor.blogspot.com
i'm trying to update pretty often. strictly images with less text. check it out. i'd love to hear what your think.
i'm not abandoning my livejournal by any means.
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[10 Jun 2009|12:31am] |
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my life lately has consisted of thinking about photography, petting my cat, one line thoughts on my typewriter and glasses of whiskey late at night. who's complaining?
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[21 May 2009|01:27am] |
its just sort of silly what i find myself going after. i wonder if its just some sort self destructive need. i think i knew what was coming but i couldnt look past the short term to really take a step back and be not head over heels. i think its interesting what im attracted to though. i found myself thinking a bunch about it after what happened. i think its a strong sense of identity. then there are more delicate and exact features which attract me such as beautiful eyes, nice hair, good sense of style, distinct perfume. Its mostly my senses that lead my life. my sense of sight really leads the way quite obviously but i think you need the initial spark for anything. there's no merit in being mentally attracted to someone if you dont even get excited to see them. however cliche, if your heart doesnt skip a beat when you talk to them then i dont think itll work out, but thats just my own opinion. i mean obviously my sense of touch is very dominant. my hand's nicknames are gropey and squeezy. then the one sense that always was close to heart is my sense of smell and being attracted to distinctly good smelling girls. this definitely goes back to one of those ideas that if you ring a bell whenever you feed your dog or cat, eventually ringing the bell will send them running to be fed. my first girlfriend..the one who gave me the patience of a saint, had this very particular perfume that she wore. I eventually identified her with the smell and thus the smell with how i felt about her and i loved her..so love was a smell that was intoxicating.
i believe the most important thing that really attracts me to someone is their sense of confidence. again, its about a particular identity, where they know how they want to look, they dress how they want to dress, they decorate a particular way, they have a sense of style, how they handle themselves, they like good movies, good books, good music and generally interesting things. im a huge snob. no use denying that but i definitely judge a person by the music they listen to, the movies they've seen or enjoy, and the books theyve read. more important than if they've seen, heard or read something is their ability to be open to new things.
affection is very important to me, which ties back to my joy of touch. how you respond to touch can be one of the biggest turn ons.
sense of humor, excitement, adventure, friendliness, kindness, being genuine all thoughts in my mind.
i think its also about what she might bring out in me. do i want to be different or feel the need to be different around them? do they make me more outgoing or social? more excited to go out and do things different? can i just be myself and not be embarrassed to reveal anything that i might not show to everyone? if so then im sold. i cant help any irrational thinking if i meet a person who does that for me. ill go where my heart will go.
so how do i handle it when things dont go so great. maybe i get the shit end of the stick and its just not right. i really forget how different i may react now versus even two years ago. im so much more confident in myself. things may not have went so great and there's always the initial sadness and questioning but i know now im pretty happy about the way i presented who i really am. i believe that i was true and accurate to my real personality and sense of uniqueness (not a word). if she decides she doesnt like the way things are going or feelings change for one reason or another, im no longer questioning, what is wrong with me, im simply looking for the way to make the best of it. the way i act is mostly a general sense of me being happy with myself. thats a new principle for me. the idea that i am happy with the way i live my life and being hopeful about my future and the direction im going, has not been existent pretty much ever up, until perhaps this past year. perhaps a late bloomer? maybe not. i do just feel disappointed that it just wasnt right. either the wrong place or time, maybe we just werent good for each other, maybe somethings meant to happen in the future, or maybe just questionable decisions were made by one party or the other. who knows? all i know is that if i dont stop asking those questions or doubting those deductions then i will be golden, to be as happy as i was from the start. even if i was miserable...but even a small period of excitement or joy or just happiness can give me hope for the future. she perhaps was not the right one but i'm getting somewhere.
its always a problem of mine with photography as well. many times i find i dont know what i want when i decide to create a particular image. what am i trying to get out of both the idea, process, result, and general aesthetic of the image? am i making some commentary? or perhaps i just am using the medium as a general ability to capture something that only i will connect with. i sometimes dont know what i want in a...love interest maybe? i dont know where it maybe be going either. most of the time i just want to go with the flow and follow my instincts. its exciting. takes away the mundane of every day life. gives me something to look forward to.
what is interesting is whether i need to pursue it or things just happening seemingly perfectly. it'd be nice if it was always a nice mix of both.
i dont know what any of this matters. i feel like im just reflecting on things that ive come to think about as of late.
my memory has been odd lately as well. ive been remembering small things about my childhood. i remember how i used to lay across the back of the couch when watching tv. or about when i used to get my haircut when when i couldnt have been more than 10 years old. i was always kind of petrified but the lady who cut my hair was really pretty and i would get easily distracted by the cutout balloons and airplanes they had hanging from the ceiling. i also remember my routine when my parents worked until 5 so i had from 2pm to 5pm to do whatever i wanted and very often it would end with me watching all those family shows that everyone relates to the 90's like full house, or family matters or saved by the bell. and whatever happened to that show sliders? that was a pretty alright show. i dont know why these things are coming to the front of my mind lately. its just all the little things about what makes me me, that very often fall into obscurity and sink into the back of my mind. old memories to be replaced with new.
i think its just better to keep on moving forward instead of constantly looking back. good things and terrible things happened in the past. good things as well as terrible things will happen in the future but i think its best just to keep your chin up, keep moving forward and only think fondly of the past rather than attempting to live in the past. i'd much rather move forward and make new memories, take new risks and live for today. perhaps thats just hope.
today i stepped so far out of my comfort zone, i myself was even surprised. i had a friend photograph me completely in the nude. nothing hidden, everything that is me and there is to see out in the open. its on white, full frontal, and natural window light with a large format film camera (8"x10" infact). it is me in my most vulnerable. it is me in its raw with nothing distinguishing me but my subtle body characteristics, curves, flesh and muscle. every hair, scar, pimple, skin flaw and imperfection (or as i deem them). i dont know if the images will come out. i dont know if they will be any good. this is just an experiment in moving forward and putting myself out on a limb. to step out of darkness, into the spotlight and out from above a safety net. it might be scary out there but god is my heart wanting to explode out of my chest.
not a point. i just have a lot of rambling that i needed to get out of my head.
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[09 May 2009|06:35pm] |
so im in a pretty good mood so ill let you know whats kicking in my life.
so im done with school in just about 2 weeks. right now im done shooting for portfolio development (atleast until summer starts) i am still working my way, slowly but surely, through everything i shot in london. i am so excited. i think even more so than how excited i was when i was working on my dead space series. i think i have many really solid images and its fucking invigorating. so after i walk across the stage i am staying in rochester for the summer. i am going to be working just as much as i did last summer and my pay is going to be much better than last. this upcoming weekend i am going to home RI to hang my show and then i will be photographing a wedding on saturday night. that is money in the pocket. i recently got the one image i submited to the honor's show accepted. happy but i wish i could have the print haha. i went to syracuse last night to see nick before he left for kansas city for the summer. its going to be a lonely summer i suspect but i'm hoping to photograph a lot. i am really excited. i hope i get to visit nick over the summer. i just want to keep shooting.
life is pretty decent right now. lets keep it that way
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[24 Apr 2009|09:24pm] |
oh to be young and in love...and in paris...
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[10 Apr 2009|01:14am] |
i have an image open that i took in london. it wasn't properly exposed but i think i can work with it. i still don't know what i'm photographing. something attracted me to this image. it might not be all that remarkable.
duke is sitting on my lap. he seems curious about what i'm doing. every so often he will look up at me and rub his nose against the side of my face.
im frustrated. i need to get out and photograph again. i've said it before and i know im not the only person to say it but every time i come back to rochester, i get so unmotivated to take any images. i guess ill have to drag myself by the shirt collar to get it done. it wont be long before i wont have fields and trees and plentiful skys around me. i just gotta get it done.
im going to watch another movie. im not in the mood for a comedy.
im going to leave this image open until i can figure out why i like it. what else is there for me to do?
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[09 Apr 2009|02:40am] |
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well a two hour conversation about the narcissism of photography, the direction human interaction is heading and the general state of getting feedback on images just cost me 15 scans. god damn computer systems resetting. i could have been in bed like 4 hours ago
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| my review of the NYC trip |
[08 Apr 2009|01:19am] |
Here's my review of the nyc trip. its long so ill put it under a cut. i doubt anyone should really bother reading it. its kinda like notes to myself about where i am with my photography right now, for reference when i look back at this point. just overally pretty reflective.
( Read more... )
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[06 Apr 2009|01:18am] |
hey hey, its okay. im sorry ive been neglecting you. its just that...well..life has just been so busy so some things just get put on the back burner. i went to london for 2 days, then to paris for 4 then back to london for another 5 days. i took a lot of pictures. these will slowly trickle down into the internetubes. then i had 4 weeks. i had to shoot, edit, print, and reprint my portfolio. week 4 i slept in the lab for 3 days straight. i got it finished and it was one of the most frustrating experiences ever. i was and am pretty happy with how solid my selection of images was and is. so then i went to NYC for a week. it was the most most frustrating trip ever. i spent far too much money. i am now broke. i got priceless feedback on my book and possible new directions for me to go. i got about 25 new ideas for photo shoots and light setups and high production cost projects. i got a serious reality check. we met with some people who would make even established very well paid photographers jealous. i lost the very little bit of respect i had left for a certain professor. i wanted to punch atleast 3 fellow classmates. i dont know when im moving but i am. i dont know who im going to live with. all i know is 6 weeks isnt enough to get this out of my head. i got a weeks worth of back work. i have a half smoked joint, and photography is pouring through every bit of my brain. i reorganized my website once again tonight. i organized all my bookmarks to make room for the hundreds more photographers who's sites i will be looking at in the next few weeks. i want to make a trip up to montreal to do some portraits and topographic stuff. i have someone waiting for me there. i can see myself in new york. i can see myself working with these people. i am happy im not a social cripple like some of my classmates. im glad im not completely into myself like some of my classmates. im happy my classmates work makes me feel better about my own. i know i need to keep shooting. i know im only going to get better that way. i have so much more to explore. so many more places to see. im not positive of a single ounce of it.
i am positive that duke is the more adorable cat ever, even though he slices me up some times. i hope he gets to come with me to nyc. ill be miserable without him.
and i still want to either live in montreal or london. IF ONLY.
i know i said i was going to wait 3-4 years to go back for grad school but maybe i can look at a school in either of these two places. blah. wishful thinking.
keep looking at my blog. im sure itll get updated soon. i actually think i might have a few images i havent uploaded yet. tomorrows a new day.
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[23 Mar 2009|12:47am] |
ive been updating with photos at my new blog.
www.myrefrigeratordoor.blogspot.com
go check it out. lots of new things.
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[15 Mar 2009|01:09pm] |
so i came back from london/france. it was amazing as expected. i want to go back. i can see myself living in london. shopping was rediculous, despite how un-heterosexual that makes me sound. i bought myself some jeans, a nice zip up hoodie, a messenger bag, a sweet suit jacket and a leather jacket. i took 38 rolls of film. i also bought 2 photo books. its gonna take me probably the rest of the year to sort through them all. ugh i cant wait to leave rochester. i hate this place. so much. everything about it. theres nothing for me here.
i was supposed to pick up duke from my parents today but my car battery somehow got drained in the middle of the night. karma.
heres two pictures i scanned yesterday
now if you'll excuse me. im going to continue to be miserable about not having duke.
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[24 Feb 2009|05:55pm] |
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So in 2 hours I'm going to get on a plane to London for 11 days. Sweet. See you on the other side maybe Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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[10 Feb 2009|10:13pm] |
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i havent felt like myself the past couple weeks.
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[07 Feb 2009|11:35am] |
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ENTRY WITH PICTURES - FRIENDS ONLY
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